2011 Reflecting: Arthrogryposis

I promise pictures of our Christmas celebration will come-- soon.

But tonight is another one of those long, mind racing nights where I can't sleep until I write. Everyone in the house is already fast asleep in dreamland.

And as for me-- my mind wonders.

It is therapeutic for the words to escape my mind onto paper or the web in this case. I know that this is a public domain that can be seen and read by anyone, but I still have the desire to pour my heart out. It is as though, once the words are placed, the fear, anxiety, etc is released so that I can continue our journey. I have to admit each time I write... the keys are met with not only my fingertips but small drops of water. Like my mom always told me, it is okay to cry. And I do.

Tonight, I have been reflecting and researching. James has grown to hate the word google... it is my home page. I google and google. And I have come to be VERY familiar with the word-- arthrogryposis. I can't even pronounce it correctly, yet it plagues my mind constantly. We haven't received any type of confirmation that this is what we are up against, but my motherly instinct kicks in... I can't shake it. We even met with the genetics doctor, no definite "diagnosis" can be determined, yet. So I allow this word to harbor in the back of my mind, and determine what treatments we should be allowing. The constant that brings smiles and hope is Jack. Jack being himself... and the smiles, coos, stretches and improvements. There are so many stories of children screaming throughout the weeks of casting, splinting, therapy etc. Our little man does it with some initial cries, but is quickly soothe with cuddles and love. Oh to see him smile...

And then there is Miss Avery. I worry that this "process" will affect her even more than lil man. She is the one that sits at the end of the hospital bed watching her little brother in pain. She has adapted to quickly present kisses to anyone who has a "booboo". Her sweet innocence is endearing. May she retain that for a long time to come.

I always expected to teach my children lessons of love, charity, sacrifice, endurance, faith, hope, and optimism.
They teach me.

This past year we have grown-- physically, emotionally, and more unified. I look back at the few short years together and it astounds me the growth and difference of our family.

But the reality of it is-- we have much more growth ahead. May I be wise enough to allow it to change me for the better.

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Christmas time {2011}

This has been quite the year. I sit here in my warm cozy living room listening to Christmas music, the Little Drummer boy just ended. I love that song and it began some pondering and meditation in my heart. I feel so lucky and filled with love.

Our little family has already experienced some and still has trials and bumps ahead of us, but I am filled with such gratitude and peace. I take this opportunity to reflect on the previous year and smile.

A smile not formed from lighthearted frivolous enjoyment, but a deep embedded understanding of happiness and true love. My heart is so full.

May you share in this understanding and enjoy the spirit of Christmas.

Pendleton Family 2011

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Baby feet

 Throughout this process, I think I have been pretty good about controlling sadness, disappointment, anger, and most negative reactions, which is human nature to feel, that could be associated with dealing with a trial. This past Sunday sadness seemed to creep into my heart during church of all places. There was a little girl about Jack's age sitting in front of us. She was a hefty baby at least a 8-pounder at birth, but the object that caught my eye wasn't her rosy cheeks or plump fingers-- instead it was her tiny black velveteen shoes sitting underneath the bench.

My throat became a little tight and my heart sank... I thought about the reality that the first time I would put shoes on my little boy's feet, he won't be so little anymore and probably not even a baby. It took me back to the days I tickled lil miss' toes and watched her wiggle and squirm with delight. I loved buying shoes to house those precious feet and tried to find ones draped in bows, frills, and sparkles. 

It is so unique and almost mystifying, how such a small object can carry with it memories from the past  and bring about a bit of sadness and guilt.

Guilt for the fact, that maybe I didn't cherish tickling those wiggly toes enough or massaging her tiny legs with their "normal" muscle tone and shape. Fear and heartache still creeps into my mind about Jack's future, but those days are now few and far between, thank goodness. Instead, he and the experience he brings helps me to live in the moment and not take too many things for granted. 

Jack's left cast slipped and his little pink stubs disappeared into the hard colorless plaster.

The pain cries began and I knew that I had to get the plaster off. I needed so badly to see those tiny toes. 

I finally was able to get rid of the cast and my happy lil' man returned.

He even gave me a smile. Love those.

Each day that I can see his button toes is a good day.

I write this to help remind myself to live in those small moments. Don't allow the everyday stresses boggle you down and distract from the things that give the most joy and pleasure-- family and loved ones. 

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Preview {Christmas Cards}

*** WARNING: If you want to be surprised to see what our Christmas card looks like when it comes to you in the mail, DO NOT continue reading this post***

I just really enjoyed making the layouts for both

our family Christmas card and Jack's birth announcement.

So I wanted to document it digitally.

I feel so blessed to call my loved ones family...

and enjoy sharing our lives together.

**These cards were so much fun to make. Hope y'all enjoy:)

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A {Blessing} for Jack

Our son, Jack Bryan Pendleton, was given a beautiful blessing by his father this past weekend.

We were surrounded by our loved ones at the home of Jack's namesake, his grandpa.

We decided that we wanted a more intimate setting for this special occasion...

Plus we wanted our loved ones near by to share in this experience.

Since everyone was in town for Thanksgiving and Grandma Smith's 80th birthday, 

we jumped at the opportunity.

The blessing was filled with promises of strength, health, and 

desire to do the will of his Heavenly Father.

 It also highlighted experiences that would be open to him such as serving a full time mission 

and to have the ability to overcome obstacles like his namesake.

 The men that surrounded our son during the blessing were daddy, Grandpa Bryan Pendleton, Grandpa Pendleton, Uncle Joseph, Uncle Jeff, Uncle Michael, our family friends Jon Itri and Mike Harper. There were also members of our family attending from the other side of the veil. The love that filled the room was overwhelming.

The past couple of weeks have had many challenges-- physical but mostly emotional for me.

Because of my human nature, I want to understand and "fix" everything.

I feel that there is a misconception that when we are given trials it is a 

punishment or consequence for not  following the right path.

 I personally have changed this mentality in the recent weeks.

Though some trials may come because of poor choices, 

I think the majority come to you for your own growth.

It is the chance to improve and refine yourself. 

To give yourself a chance to prove you CAN rise to the occasion 

and become stronger or more diligent in a specific area, with the help of our Savior.

Your Heavenly Father knows you... the you that you are now and the one that you can become.

And it hit me. I can't "fix" the many medical problems Jack has come to the earth with, 

but I can help lead and guide him to become the person his Heavenly Father has in store for him.

What a beautiful opportunity for me as his mother. I am so very grateful for him.

We, as a family and individually, have felt such an outpouring of love and compassion during this time.

There is also a sense of comfort... 

which is one of the greatest blessings during times of uncertainty and heartache.

Right now is our time of uncertainty for Jack's future,

but I have finally be able to fully embrace it with the knowledge that He is control.

Before, I still wanted to know exactly what to expect, how everything was going to play out, and what I needed to do to get a certain outcome... but then my desires and mindset changed.

"Be still and know that I am God".

I am merely His hands. He will mold Jack and myself into what He knows we need to be shaped.

 As long as we allow Him to... He will change us for the better.

I have finally chosen that path, which will lead to the greatest outcome and destination.

We are Godly beings here to have an earthly experience. With this experience, comes hills and valleys, ups and downs, happiness and sorrow, yet we are promised joy if we shall endure to the end. A big part of successfully enduring to the end is learning to find the good in the hard moments and being grateful for the experience that gives you growth. I am still learning this... yet today I can honestly say I am grateful for my journey thus far. I am grateful for my husband who is equally yoked with me, and accompanies me through these life experiences.

We will see what tomorrow holds for us... 

and we will do so holding hands looking heavenward.

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{First} Castings

It's been a full day since Lil Jack received his first of many serial castings-- a form of treatment for club feet. We went to Shriners' Hospital of Salt Lake. We are told they are the best, so naturally we decided the eight hour round trip car rides once a week for two months are worth the quality of care.

Today it hit me. He was born almost two weeks ago, but today it feels like reality is setting in. Like I have stated before, it takes a while for things to sink in for me... and it's beginning to sink in. I started to cry during lunch after Mr. P left for work, and my sweet two year old handed me a tissue. It is so hard not to know what the future holds for our son. As a mother, you plan taking them to soccer practice, teaching them how to ride a bike, giving them tips on dating... and when that idea is masked by uncertainty about your child's abilities or lack there of, well it's painful. I was ok with treating clubfeet... a few uncomfortable months of sleepless nights I can deal with. The idea of my son having a genetic disorder which caused the symptom of clubfeet... it's a lot harder for me to wrap my mind around. So I cry and hold him a little tighter. 

 

       {Avery and her beloved Nana}                          {Grandpa and the "boys" minus Taylor}

The night before we enjoyed a Pendleton family dinner, like the good ol' days before we moved three plus hours away. It was nice to be surrounded by family, and for a moment our thoughts were turned to lighthearted laughter and silliness, with the occasional Nana and Avery confrontation. 

Avery was such a trooper at the hospital. She enjoyed watching the fish-- finding "Nemo"-- and picking out the pumpkins she wanted to take home for Halloween.

We had already decided before hand that Mr. P would have to take the reins on being the strong one during the multiple medical procedures that were ahead. Little did I realize that my motherly instinct to soothe and calm would kick in, and I couldn't bare to leave lil man's side. I didn't cry, which surprised even myself. It went too quickly to really analyze anything, so I just allowed my hands to hold him and my eyes stayed fixed on his sweet blue face. He can definitely scream but when your legs are being twisted and turned, it's understandable.

I know that all of this "stuff" will help him greatly in his future, but it still doesn't take the sting away. My greatest comfort comes from a loving Heavenly Father and the Holy Ghost. When I find myself thinking of all the trails ahead, it overwhelms me... I think it would probably overwhelm most people. Then little by little a calmness comes over my soul and whispers-- 

"Faith and endurance, my daughter 

Remember I am here".

I know now that this trial is real.

No more praying and wishes for it not to arrive.

Now my purpose as a wife, mother, daughter, and any other title I may be called to become,

 is to find the meaning behind the trail and grow stronger from it.

I know I will struggle and fail, which is a human attribute.

 But hopefully in the end, stand a little taller and wiser.

And most importantly lean on the truths I already know and the people I love the most.

Our family-- minus Jack who was being cuddle by Grandpa P-- relaxing together.

 Jack 2 week stats: 

7lbs 7oz 

19.5 inches 

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Jack Bryan Pendleton

It has already been TWO full days with our new son. Whoever told me that Avery will look 3x bigger when she walks into the doorway to meet her new little brother was completely right. She has already given the ok that we can keep him and bring him home. Being away from her for the past two days has been hard... Oh how I miss her sweet little voice saying "luv yu mom". It will be a VERY long week when she leaves to go spend time in Utah county with family and loved ones.

Jack with is right club foot sticking out

And back to the topic. Our son. Man, it has been hard. I mean I knew it would be going into this thing but my emotions are all over the place. Is that a surprise, not really? James is a rock. It is such blessing to have him as my companion. I forgot how terrifying it is to have a little baby depend on you for so much. Well as I sit here in my hospital bed next to our little guy glowing blue from the light bed, I will share with you his birth story.

***

Some time has elapsed. It is the following day(actually night) since I began this post. I started writing when I was still fatigued.  If you could have seen me while typing, I was a mess-- add lots of hormone fluctuations, new baby, lack of sleep, and pain-- you get my condition. Anyways I began typing again with a tad bit of a clearer mind.

Since we were planning on a scheduled c-section, we were told to arrive at the hospital at 5 am. Pretty early for a non-early bird, but to no surprise I wasn't really able to sleep anyhow. Well all night, on and off, Avery woke up from the nursery floor asking for her dad. She knew something big was about to happen, smart little girl. So between taking turns laying down next to her and getting prepped by showering, brushing teeth, etc we got to the hospital pretty much on time. The morning air was pretty cool and the parking lot was very quite.

As we walked through the vacant hospital, we were met by the attending nurse. Everything seemed routine, and James was calmly sitting on the couch while they began to prep me for the delivery. The IV killed, and after about 15 mins James went to go get a nurse to see if it could be changed. They decided it would push back the operation too much so I just had to suck it up. I officially hate IV's now. James has never experienced being admitted to the hospital, lucky him-- so he doesn't understand. I am sure their are others out there who completely agree with me.

Then comes the rolling me away from my comfort-- the husband and familiar surroundings-- to the cold operating room. I always shiver between the meds. and temperature of a hospital, that day was no different. I was paralyzed from the epidural and was there on the table with my mind wondering. Everyone buzzed around me getting things ready while I just laid there thinking of how different my life would be in such a short amount of time. I was excited, but so very scared to meet our son. I didn't want to face the challenges that might be placed in front of us once our little man was born. I just kept praying that we would get through this... I still keep that prayer in my heart.

That's when Mr. P walked in and grabbed my hand. Ready or not, our journey was about to begin. A journey that though had some familiar underlining similarities-- new baby and all-- seemed to carry a completely unique feeling. After the initial cutting and lots of pressure... our little man was born screaming with arms and legs swinging. He was here. And in that moment our journey began... both feet clubbed with some added twists-- a dislocated left knee, hyperextended legs, and bent wrists. They whisked him away, and James soon followed after giving me a kiss on the forehead.

I then turned upward again. Without moving a muscle and while the room swirled around me, I thought about our son and began praying again. There are still so many uncertainties with his medical conditions, which is terrifying to me. I am sure it won't get any easier even if we can get some answers about his future. Such as-- what caused him to be born with club feet? will he be able to walk? How are his hips? does he have a syndrome causing all this? will any of our other future children be affected as well? Are we doing all we can to get him the help he needs? what are we suppose to be learning from this? why Jack?

Jack's left leg-- knee dislocated with club foot

But one thing I know for certain, he came to our family for a reason, and I am so very grateful for him. Within only a few days of life, he has taught me a few lessons I will keep private for now. All I can say is that I love him so very much and will do everything in my power to be the mother he needs. Welcome home, Jack Bryan Pendleton.

October 13th, 2011 @7:06 am

6lbs 10oz

19 inches

We love you, our sweet little boy.

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Picking a {birthdate} for Jack

So it is the morning of Jack's birth... The EARLY morning (2:15).
Main reason I am up already is the fact that I forgot to ask if Tums are on the no-no list before surgery.
Note: they don't even want you to drink water after midnight the night before, so I am pretty doubtful.
Besides the fact that my mind is already racing with thoughts, and my heart is racing with emotions--
My esophagus is on FIRE. So I am up.

I feel like it is the first day of school. I always had trouble sleeping the night before, not that I had heartburn so young-- more anxiety and restlessness. When I was going into the six grade, I was super anxious so my mom thought she would give me half a sleeping pill-- due to the fact I was a little thing and I am very very sensitive to medication of ANY kind. Well, the outcome was a crazy dream that left me hallucinating and pretty much scaring my mother to death. Long story short... from then on, I just had to learn to deal with my anxiety and find a more "natural" solution.

Through this pregnancy, I have realized I am slow to respond to changes, situation, etc-- very slow as in does she even know she is suppose to have a reaction, ANY reaction would do? It takes a few weeks maybe even months for me to form a response... and in the time being, I think and ponder and analyze and then think some more. I don't know if this is a good or bad thing. But for pregnancy, it takes almost the full 9 months for it to finally sink in. And with our little Jack... this week it sank in (38.5 weeks along).

I am filled with excitement and anticipation of this little boy coming into our family. Many have asked and continue to ask how I am dealing with the news about his "condition" and honestly, I haven't yet. The facts of the situation have been swallowed... yet the incubation time is still slowly brewing.

So for this morning, I am still trying to wrap my mind around the idea that we "picked" our son's birthday, and I am about to willingly walk get rolled into a room where a man will slice open my abdomen-- though very skilled-- none the less slice. And then it will come-- impressively quick only 3-5 mins from the first cut-- the crying of our new family member, our little boy. I am thrilled! I hope that he thinks the number 13 is lucky. It just hit me 2 days ago, even though we set the date 2 weeks before that he will be born on the 13th. He will just join his grandma Dot and aunt Geneve among the lucky 13.

James is in charge of baby updates since my hands will be tied--literally, did you know that? I didn't, even though this is my second go around. First time, I was sleeping.

And I love the end of Susan's post. Thank you, and I whole heartedly agree. Prayers are always welcomed.

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Baby {number} two

As the thought of a baby coming into your lives is filled with excitement and anticipations, it seems that those emotions are sometimes masked behind fear and uneasiness when the number of children grow larger than one.

We are expecting our SECOND child in 10 days. In TEN days (240 hours- give or take), we will be:

equally numbered: adults vs kids

sleep deprived

trying to create balance in an unbalanced world

changing newborn diapers (dodging pee) WHILE trying to get our two year old to aim her's in the toilet

combining a routine of 3-4 mini naps a day with ONE long 2-3 hour nap

Juggle children in both arms

Just to name a few things. 

Not to mention the uncertainty that comes from knowing that our soon-to-be lil bundle of joy will most likely enter this world with club feet and the possibility of other genetic mutations (cross your fingers-better yet send prayers our way). Oh and have I mentioned my hormones are through the roof... 

I am so tired. And this is the calm BEFORE the storm. I just keep thinking about the joy a brand new little one brings into the world into my world. I know that this road will be challenging especially since we just moved to a NEW, tiny (teeny) town far away from family, but I keep on reminding myself to look upward. Bumps and hills make us stronger. Looks like my legs and spirit are going to get a work out this next year. I look forward to this change.

The real question is...

Can this be done while trying to recover from a Caesarean aka C-section? Stay tuned in.

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James turns GOLD

Happy 28th *GOLDEN* Birthday...

Turning 28 on the 28th of September

For the past few years since we have been married, James has always eluded to the fact that he didn't/doesn't want a whole lot of hoop-la for his big day. 

I have usually respected his wishes... casually giving small gifts and maybe going out to eat. 

Nothing too fancy. This year was different.

It was his golden birthday.

How could I just celebrate with mediocrity...

PLUS I found out by his sister Ashley and Grandma Smith

 that while growing up he really treasured having all of his 

*significant moments exactly on his birthday.

What?!? The whole time I just thought he was being Mr. Causal "don't fuss about me" James.

So with this new knowledge I gave myself the go ahead to do something different.

***Note: Birthday's growing up were always celebrated BIG in my family... sometimes a full week.

When I got home I questioned James about my new discovery...

He responded that he didn't care too much about presents and materialistic things, but felt it was important to have his special moments  exactly on his day of birth.

Hmmmm.... so the wheels started to turn.

  

We started the day with visiting Mr. P at work bringing with us lunch from the golden arch.

We also allowed Avery to pick out a few things for her daddy's present.

Her present mostly included games, play-duh, and candy... not a big surprise.

 

And then, after Mr. P got off work, it was my turn.

We had dinner, Homemade Mac and Cheese, and opened gifts.

My gift started as a treasure hunt-- to find golden nuggets (treasures) around town.

We started off late, and we aren't too familiar with Cedar so I had to help him with some of the clues.

He discovered all 12 "locations" (favorite memories) and collected the 16 pieces of gold. 28 total.

Then the last "clue" led him to our bedroom...

to our bed.

Don't worry this is a g-rated post. 

His treasure chest was hidden in the pillows. 

Inside the golden chest were 16 envelopes

 that correlated with the pieces of gold found earlier.

Each envelope held a special moment written by a loved.

I know Cheesy... 

but I wanted to share with him how much he is loved and respected by those around him.

He enjoyed reading each entry... while watching a little baseball in between. Classic James.

I am not going to post what was written, 

since I promised the "authors" the words would stay private.

But through all the kind words, I couldn't help but smile. 

This gift made me more appreciative of Mr. P and 

realize that he treats everyone with compassionate and kindness.

My purpose wasn't to personally get anything out of this gift idea...

only to express appreciation through loving thoughts and memories, 

but it didn't turn out that way.

Love you, sweetheart. 

Happy 28th to a loving husband, father, son, brother, and friend!!

**Special moments: Baptism, Priesthood organizations.

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Genetic {Counseling}

Counsel-- (noun) advice thats given formally.

Since the readers (all probably 10 of you...) to our blog consists of 98% family members or loved ones, most of you already know that we had to see a perinatologist to check out our lil boy's feet and see if there were other concerns. There was some speculation that his right foot might have a genetic condition called club foot. So off we went to St. George to get things checked out. We decided to make a day of it....  we planned to hit up the Saint George Temple in the morning and arrive at our appointment by 1:30. Who knew that on tuesday morning, the session would be packed (mostly with elderly couples) and when we finally made it to our appointment, they would turn us away for 45 mins due to overbooking. Turns out the nurse was misinformed, but we didn't know nor were we corrected, since we headed to Bajio for some lunch-- turns out that our "little" trip took a lot longer than expected.  It was worth it, though. We were able to met with an amazing doctor (Dr. E), who I think James wished was my actual new OB/GYN. He began the process of thoroughly checking everything out... even though lil man wasn't cooperating-- which is definitely his style. Remember it took us till 34 weeks to find out baby J was a lil man and NOT a lil lady.

GOOD news: Lil J's brain and spine look good and are developing well. BAD news: it looks like possibly both feet are clubbed. GREAT news: club feet are 99.9% treatable using methods such as the Ponseti method. We are just hoping that everything else is developing properly since an ultrasound can only tell so much before the baby is born. After Dr. E shared with us his professional opinions ranging from VBAC, Cesaearn, which hospital lil man should get treatment to the likelihood of "other" complications, he informed us we would be talking with a genetic counselor.

Wait... hold the phone. James was definitely not interested in this last "phase" of the appointment, and as soon as the door shut, he informed me... " I am not going to counseling". I chuckled laughed out loud that genetic counseling explained options while giving informational pamphlets about the process of dealing with a child with "special" circumstances, and it did not mean you had to talk about your feelings. Oh, Mr. Pendleton... you made me smile and still do. Thank you. So we walked out of the office feeling a little more "aware" of what lies ahead of us and a few sheets of paper about club feet. No feelings shared or tears shed... at least not that day:).

So there you have it... a long overdue update.
Hopefully also provided some clarification for those that think genetic counseling means you will be talking about feelings, emotions, etc in a therapy session. Our counselor was nice enough to suggest if James wanted to share his feelings about our (Baby J's) situation, she was more than to happy to oblige. He declined, of course.

** Disclaimer: James is currently in the process of petitioning a name change for genetic counseling so people are not misled by such title.

We are very optimistic about our options and delighted to bring baby J into this world very soon.

Sooo much to finish before his arrival in OCTOBER. Yikes.

PS Happy Birthday shot-out to my sis, Geneve.  Enjoy your day! We love you. 

You need someone to through you a party like the one you gave Litte C for his 1st birthday. Adorable.

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The {Leather} Year. Three years and counting...

Marriage is one of those experiences, decisions, sacrifices, blessings--- 

a "thing" that is impossible to universally define or explain through words.

It is unique to each 'couple' giving them their own experience together.

{Cedar Mini golf... I am pretty sure it is abandoned. What do you think? Free putt-putt anyone?}

I have been blessed to be married to Mr. Pendleton for 3 years.

In celebrity style, that is a lifetime. In "reality" and/or with our eternal perspective, 

it is just a slight niche in the endless ring.

Yet, these past few years I have grown closer to the love of my life.

Our 3 year stats:

-- helped Hubby finish his BS degree in Communications. Ya buddy:)

-- lived in 3 states

-- lived in 6 different homes

-- drove 7 different cars

-- gave birth to 1.5 children (Second peanut due 10/22/2011)

-- Went on three cruises

-- made cross country drive twice

-- and experienced a ton of laughter, a few tears, but mostly delight.

The 3rd year modern gift is {LEATHER}.

Therefore, I planned a little western themed dinner.

Since we moved to Cedar, we have been missing one of our favorite restaurants-- 

TEXAS ROADHOUSE. 

So I tried to recreate the food and atmosphere. 

I even had Mr. P get dressed in his western duds... boots and all.

The menu-- Steak, corn on the cob, rolls, green salad, and mashed potatoes.

The activity-- Miniature golf 

(not really western, but horseback riding is a pretty penny and not very toddler friendly)

Attendees-- Mr. P, myself + bun in the oven, and our cute ball girl.

 

 

{Perk of crappy/closed course: Miss avery can ride her bike around picking up our balls.}

 

 

We talked about our 10 year anniversary. 

The plan: James will blindfold me and take me all the way to fiji or some other tropical oasis.

But this year when Mr. P got blindfolded, he knew exactly where we were going because Cedar City is  so small that it only has 3 exits off the interstate. 

He did think I was taking him to the gas station across the street, so it was kinda surprising to pull down the scarf and see a golf course over run by weeds.  

***The best part was spending time with my sweet family... 

and the mister sleeping on the foot of the bed facing north. Love you. 

Thank you for always doing the small things that matter the most.

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