{First} Castings

It's been a full day since Lil Jack received his first of many serial castings-- a form of treatment for club feet. We went to Shriners' Hospital of Salt Lake. We are told they are the best, so naturally we decided the eight hour round trip car rides once a week for two months are worth the quality of care.

Today it hit me. He was born almost two weeks ago, but today it feels like reality is setting in. Like I have stated before, it takes a while for things to sink in for me... and it's beginning to sink in. I started to cry during lunch after Mr. P left for work, and my sweet two year old handed me a tissue. It is so hard not to know what the future holds for our son. As a mother, you plan taking them to soccer practice, teaching them how to ride a bike, giving them tips on dating... and when that idea is masked by uncertainty about your child's abilities or lack there of, well it's painful. I was ok with treating clubfeet... a few uncomfortable months of sleepless nights I can deal with. The idea of my son having a genetic disorder which caused the symptom of clubfeet... it's a lot harder for me to wrap my mind around. So I cry and hold him a little tighter. 

 

       {Avery and her beloved Nana}                          {Grandpa and the "boys" minus Taylor}

The night before we enjoyed a Pendleton family dinner, like the good ol' days before we moved three plus hours away. It was nice to be surrounded by family, and for a moment our thoughts were turned to lighthearted laughter and silliness, with the occasional Nana and Avery confrontation. 

Avery was such a trooper at the hospital. She enjoyed watching the fish-- finding "Nemo"-- and picking out the pumpkins she wanted to take home for Halloween.

We had already decided before hand that Mr. P would have to take the reins on being the strong one during the multiple medical procedures that were ahead. Little did I realize that my motherly instinct to soothe and calm would kick in, and I couldn't bare to leave lil man's side. I didn't cry, which surprised even myself. It went too quickly to really analyze anything, so I just allowed my hands to hold him and my eyes stayed fixed on his sweet blue face. He can definitely scream but when your legs are being twisted and turned, it's understandable.

I know that all of this "stuff" will help him greatly in his future, but it still doesn't take the sting away. My greatest comfort comes from a loving Heavenly Father and the Holy Ghost. When I find myself thinking of all the trails ahead, it overwhelms me... I think it would probably overwhelm most people. Then little by little a calmness comes over my soul and whispers-- 

"Faith and endurance, my daughter 

Remember I am here".

I know now that this trial is real.

No more praying and wishes for it not to arrive.

Now my purpose as a wife, mother, daughter, and any other title I may be called to become,

 is to find the meaning behind the trail and grow stronger from it.

I know I will struggle and fail, which is a human attribute.

 But hopefully in the end, stand a little taller and wiser.

And most importantly lean on the truths I already know and the people I love the most.

Our family-- minus Jack who was being cuddle by Grandpa P-- relaxing together.

 Jack 2 week stats: 

7lbs 7oz 

19.5 inches 

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Jack Bryan Pendleton

It has already been TWO full days with our new son. Whoever told me that Avery will look 3x bigger when she walks into the doorway to meet her new little brother was completely right. She has already given the ok that we can keep him and bring him home. Being away from her for the past two days has been hard... Oh how I miss her sweet little voice saying "luv yu mom". It will be a VERY long week when she leaves to go spend time in Utah county with family and loved ones.

Jack with is right club foot sticking out

And back to the topic. Our son. Man, it has been hard. I mean I knew it would be going into this thing but my emotions are all over the place. Is that a surprise, not really? James is a rock. It is such blessing to have him as my companion. I forgot how terrifying it is to have a little baby depend on you for so much. Well as I sit here in my hospital bed next to our little guy glowing blue from the light bed, I will share with you his birth story.

***

Some time has elapsed. It is the following day(actually night) since I began this post. I started writing when I was still fatigued.  If you could have seen me while typing, I was a mess-- add lots of hormone fluctuations, new baby, lack of sleep, and pain-- you get my condition. Anyways I began typing again with a tad bit of a clearer mind.

Since we were planning on a scheduled c-section, we were told to arrive at the hospital at 5 am. Pretty early for a non-early bird, but to no surprise I wasn't really able to sleep anyhow. Well all night, on and off, Avery woke up from the nursery floor asking for her dad. She knew something big was about to happen, smart little girl. So between taking turns laying down next to her and getting prepped by showering, brushing teeth, etc we got to the hospital pretty much on time. The morning air was pretty cool and the parking lot was very quite.

As we walked through the vacant hospital, we were met by the attending nurse. Everything seemed routine, and James was calmly sitting on the couch while they began to prep me for the delivery. The IV killed, and after about 15 mins James went to go get a nurse to see if it could be changed. They decided it would push back the operation too much so I just had to suck it up. I officially hate IV's now. James has never experienced being admitted to the hospital, lucky him-- so he doesn't understand. I am sure their are others out there who completely agree with me.

Then comes the rolling me away from my comfort-- the husband and familiar surroundings-- to the cold operating room. I always shiver between the meds. and temperature of a hospital, that day was no different. I was paralyzed from the epidural and was there on the table with my mind wondering. Everyone buzzed around me getting things ready while I just laid there thinking of how different my life would be in such a short amount of time. I was excited, but so very scared to meet our son. I didn't want to face the challenges that might be placed in front of us once our little man was born. I just kept praying that we would get through this... I still keep that prayer in my heart.

That's when Mr. P walked in and grabbed my hand. Ready or not, our journey was about to begin. A journey that though had some familiar underlining similarities-- new baby and all-- seemed to carry a completely unique feeling. After the initial cutting and lots of pressure... our little man was born screaming with arms and legs swinging. He was here. And in that moment our journey began... both feet clubbed with some added twists-- a dislocated left knee, hyperextended legs, and bent wrists. They whisked him away, and James soon followed after giving me a kiss on the forehead.

I then turned upward again. Without moving a muscle and while the room swirled around me, I thought about our son and began praying again. There are still so many uncertainties with his medical conditions, which is terrifying to me. I am sure it won't get any easier even if we can get some answers about his future. Such as-- what caused him to be born with club feet? will he be able to walk? How are his hips? does he have a syndrome causing all this? will any of our other future children be affected as well? Are we doing all we can to get him the help he needs? what are we suppose to be learning from this? why Jack?

Jack's left leg-- knee dislocated with club foot

But one thing I know for certain, he came to our family for a reason, and I am so very grateful for him. Within only a few days of life, he has taught me a few lessons I will keep private for now. All I can say is that I love him so very much and will do everything in my power to be the mother he needs. Welcome home, Jack Bryan Pendleton.

October 13th, 2011 @7:06 am

6lbs 10oz

19 inches

We love you, our sweet little boy.

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Picking a {birthdate} for Jack

So it is the morning of Jack's birth... The EARLY morning (2:15).
Main reason I am up already is the fact that I forgot to ask if Tums are on the no-no list before surgery.
Note: they don't even want you to drink water after midnight the night before, so I am pretty doubtful.
Besides the fact that my mind is already racing with thoughts, and my heart is racing with emotions--
My esophagus is on FIRE. So I am up.

I feel like it is the first day of school. I always had trouble sleeping the night before, not that I had heartburn so young-- more anxiety and restlessness. When I was going into the six grade, I was super anxious so my mom thought she would give me half a sleeping pill-- due to the fact I was a little thing and I am very very sensitive to medication of ANY kind. Well, the outcome was a crazy dream that left me hallucinating and pretty much scaring my mother to death. Long story short... from then on, I just had to learn to deal with my anxiety and find a more "natural" solution.

Through this pregnancy, I have realized I am slow to respond to changes, situation, etc-- very slow as in does she even know she is suppose to have a reaction, ANY reaction would do? It takes a few weeks maybe even months for me to form a response... and in the time being, I think and ponder and analyze and then think some more. I don't know if this is a good or bad thing. But for pregnancy, it takes almost the full 9 months for it to finally sink in. And with our little Jack... this week it sank in (38.5 weeks along).

I am filled with excitement and anticipation of this little boy coming into our family. Many have asked and continue to ask how I am dealing with the news about his "condition" and honestly, I haven't yet. The facts of the situation have been swallowed... yet the incubation time is still slowly brewing.

So for this morning, I am still trying to wrap my mind around the idea that we "picked" our son's birthday, and I am about to willingly walk get rolled into a room where a man will slice open my abdomen-- though very skilled-- none the less slice. And then it will come-- impressively quick only 3-5 mins from the first cut-- the crying of our new family member, our little boy. I am thrilled! I hope that he thinks the number 13 is lucky. It just hit me 2 days ago, even though we set the date 2 weeks before that he will be born on the 13th. He will just join his grandma Dot and aunt Geneve among the lucky 13.

James is in charge of baby updates since my hands will be tied--literally, did you know that? I didn't, even though this is my second go around. First time, I was sleeping.

And I love the end of Susan's post. Thank you, and I whole heartedly agree. Prayers are always welcomed.

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Baby {number} two

As the thought of a baby coming into your lives is filled with excitement and anticipations, it seems that those emotions are sometimes masked behind fear and uneasiness when the number of children grow larger than one.

We are expecting our SECOND child in 10 days. In TEN days (240 hours- give or take), we will be:

equally numbered: adults vs kids

sleep deprived

trying to create balance in an unbalanced world

changing newborn diapers (dodging pee) WHILE trying to get our two year old to aim her's in the toilet

combining a routine of 3-4 mini naps a day with ONE long 2-3 hour nap

Juggle children in both arms

Just to name a few things. 

Not to mention the uncertainty that comes from knowing that our soon-to-be lil bundle of joy will most likely enter this world with club feet and the possibility of other genetic mutations (cross your fingers-better yet send prayers our way). Oh and have I mentioned my hormones are through the roof... 

I am so tired. And this is the calm BEFORE the storm. I just keep thinking about the joy a brand new little one brings into the world into my world. I know that this road will be challenging especially since we just moved to a NEW, tiny (teeny) town far away from family, but I keep on reminding myself to look upward. Bumps and hills make us stronger. Looks like my legs and spirit are going to get a work out this next year. I look forward to this change.

The real question is...

Can this be done while trying to recover from a Caesarean aka C-section? Stay tuned in.

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